We get home from the traumatic night and carry on with our lives..me being paranoid as heck and so stressed about Steven going unconscious again. The Dr. from the ER suggested we meet with a neurologist to get finer details and hopefully figure out what happened, he didn't think it was a seizure as everything else looked fine and apparently when you have a seizure it releases something into your blood that can be found through blood work, which there was no sign of. Well we meet with a neurologist and he does numerous tests once again. We also met with a psychologist who is well educated in ADD, anxiety, OCD, and other such things. Very knowledgeable man, and I was kind of intimidated when I first met him to be honest. The tests showed that he for sure didn't have a seizure and they believe that a lot of stress and depression sort of took over his body so to say. Which leads to me to another story that happened weeks after the 911 call.
Steven had mentioned he was under a lot of stress with going to school full time, ROTC responsibilities in the army, losing his job and starting a new one all while trying to be a good husband and father. I mean who isn't stressed when they go to school and have a million things on their plate?! This new job he took seemed to be perfect. It was at night so he had the day to go to school and do homework and spend the little time in between with us. It was from 9pm- 1am. The first couple of weeks were a little rough adjusting to the new time/sleep change. I honestly didn't think it was that bad of a schedule seeing as how I used to be up with Calvin in the nights feeding and tending to him when he woke. There was one specific night we were coming home from running errands and I was worried Steven was going to quit his job, because of the lack of sleep he was getting, before he had a new job to replace it. I was trying to reason with him and told him he had to stay yada yada. He mentioned something about being depressed about how dark and low he gets right before he goes into work and throughout the night.* Now the Dr's and psychologist asked him about having any type of suicidal thoughts and he described the thoughts he would have and they said that they weren't serious enough to be of a high risk* Well that night as he left I was at home and couldn't help but worry that he made it to work OK based off of what he had mentioned, "what if he really did try to kill himself? no..he wouldn't do that to me..?" I got worried. I hadn't hear from him for awhile and usually he will send me some sort of text whether he arrived or just saying he loved me or whatever. nothing. I tried calling him a few times and he wasn't answering and I kind of expected it seeing as how we had gotten into an argument about his job. I texted him to say I was worried and wanted to make sure he got to work OK. time went by. still nothing. I started to panic and then broke down after countless rings and voice mails I got on his phone. What was I going to do? I didn't have a car (we only had one car at the time) Calvin was asleep. I tried calling the KSL building where his job was (custodial work he did for the church they rotate at the buildings there downtown) I got to the radio guy, and he couldn't lead me to anyone he had no idea what I was talking about but could hear the panic in my voice. no luck. I finally call my mother-in-law and broke down to her not knowing what to do I felt helpless and we talked for a good while about what was going on and I finally calmed down. She tried calling him a few times, no answer, I kept trying call after call. We had my sis in law who lives downtown drive to the building to see if she could at least see our car. Well he parks underground where he goes into work so there was no such luck there. My mother-in-law finally decides to call the cops and have them go down to where he works to find him. He calls me from his phone and explains he left it in the car because he didn't want to talk to anyone. He wanted to shut everyone out and just wasn't thinking and apologized for scaring us all. I was so mad but couldn't be because I was so relieved that he was OK.
After that our next appointment with the psychologist I told him what happened and how worried I was. He had no idea how severe it was as Steven was ashamed or didn't realize how deep into depression he really was. The Dr. advised that he no longer works those hours and he had an explanation that made sense other than just because it was a crappy shift time. He explained to me that with Stevens ADD and for anyone who has ADD, they can't handle losing that much sleep. Their brains work so many miles a minute trying to keep track of everything that happens in their head that by the end of the day it needs that full 8 hrs of rest. *not gonna lie I wanted to be furious with that fact as don't we all need 8 hrs of sleep?!* BUT instead I understood that for so many years of him working and going to school and doing so many things he was already losing so much sleep over the years that that is one of the reasons his body shut down. It couldn't take it. He has sleep deprivation severely and that he technically shouldn't be driving as it is as equivalent to being a drunk driver. *explains his crazy driving?* obviously he didn't get his license taken away or anything like that but he did order him to get more sleep. who wouldn't want that order? So from then on things made sense. He didn't have severe anxiety but more depression with his ADD and a little bit of OCD which they kind of all tie in together a little bit. We got his medication changed and before we knew it Steven was back. its like a light switch almost. No he isn't completely perfect and he still has his bad days and good days. but no where near how down he used to be.
It was the hardest thing on our marriage because I didn't understand what was going on and neither did he. After meeting with the psychologist, he also does marriage counseling, we decided to meet with him for that reason for a little bit to help each other better understand what was missing or misunderstood. I will admit that is the last thing that you want to admit. I thought in my head "we're fine, I don't need someone to tell us how to do something or whats wrong..no we can work it out" And it wasn't really that way at all. He talked to us separately and then together. these psychologist are like magic he knew exactly my thought process or how I was feeling and same with Steven. We did a few exercises over the weeks and life got a little easier and better. I am not ashamed to say that we had counseling I think in fact every couple should do it as there is no harm in it other than making things better than they already are. how is that possible?! Now people may wonder or think why would someone put something so personal out on the internet for everyone to see?(like this) I get it. For the longest time Steven was so ashamed of the fact that he had ADD and some chemical imbalances he couldn't control that he pretty much didn't believe it. and I was so ashamed or embarrassed that we had "problems" that affected our lives so much that it affected everything else in our lives. I was envious of everyone else. I hated Facebook and instagram so much because all I saw were people getting pregnant or having babies, getting new jobs that obviously would pay more to move up in life, getting skinnier, going on vacations, buying houses.. everything pretty much. Which I really truly am happy for them but I almost hated them at the same time because I wanted it so bad thinking it would make up for the bad. No my life wasn't miserable. It just wasn't easy. But when is life ever easy? As soon as I started to understand my husband better and myself for that matter things looked up. We figured out how to help him instead of being frustrated. I wasn't ashamed anymore of going to marriage counseling, my life, or anything that was happening. I look back at it now as a huge blessing. Steven and I understand each other so much better now and the advice we got will forever help us down the road. I write such personal posts on here in hopes that it will make other people feel better that they aren't alone. SO many people go through the same thing if not close to it. I don't post this to get any sort of reward or sympathy but to maybe help someone who may be having a difficult time themselves.
Steven and I have been through a lot in the past couple of years. A LOT. And it is totally OK with me. I am so much more grateful for everything I have in my life. I'm grateful to be married to such a loving man who comes from a loving family. I'm grateful for my parents and family who have done nothing but stand behind us when we want to fall. For friends who care about us and treat us like family. For the gospel in my life to bring me up when I feel so helpless. and last but not least for our sweet baby Calvin who really isn't a baby anymore. Through this all he has done nothing but bring smiles to our faces and so much joy on those bad days. I don't know how kids do it, but they make everything better. And the past couple of years haven't ALL been bad. There were a lot of good moments too that I will catch up on. like Calvin turning 1, holidays, and more :) Thank you all for reading, for your support and love. We are so blessed!
Much love,
XOxo
XOxo
