Monday, September 28, 2015

All for the Memories

As I look back at this blog, there are SO many great memories I have written. I've debated keeping this blog and revamping it again with how inconsistent I have been in writing new posts and staying current with life happenings. I think now is the time for me to actually work at updating this blog as often as I can. Even if its a short post or memory I want to remember. I've learned so much and have been through so much that I would love to look back and remember all those moments, and I can type a whole lot faster than I can write in my journal. So here's to new the end of the year. ha! I've got more time on my hands and more desire to actually write about something. 

Now....time to get to work! 


Thursday, January 1, 2015

oh 2014..

It has nearly been a YEAR since I even touched this blog.
 how sad.
 I always make those new years goals and every year I talk about wanting to be better at blogging. 
every year I fail. Miserably. 

2014 has been quite a roller coaster! 
I don't even know where to begin with all that happened last year. 
so lets just not. 

There was a whole lot of moving. 3 times to be exact.
A whole lot of new things like new apartments, homes, jobs, cars, dogs, and gosh so much more.  
A whole lot of frustration, anger and sadness,
and a bunch of smiles and laughter. 
I learned A LOT in the last year about so many things. 
Faith. Patience. Acceptance. Motherhood. and Love. 
While there were a lot of things that weren't my favorite I cant wish they never happened because I wouldn't be who I am today because of those experiences. 

On this day, the first day of 2015, I have so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to.
 I have a healthy husband who loves his job and is great at what he is doing. He loves me for who I am and is my biggest cheerleader in all the ideas and dreams I come up with.
 I have a hunk of a two year old who is happy, healthy, and quite hilarious. I am able to stay home with that crazy little boy and be his mom while helping my husband excel in his job. 
I have two great parents who let us invade their home while we save up for a house, and do it oh so willingly and lovingly. 
We both have family so close and we get to spend so much time with them.
 I am starting school next week and couldn't be more excited and nervous all at the same time(eeeeeeek). 

I'm excited for all the new adventures that await us this year and can't wait to see what they might be! I'm so over you 2014, let's go 2015!
I have a feeling its going to be one great year!

Happy New Year Everyone!
May you have a happy, healthy and blessed year!

Sunday, February 9, 2014

That one night...PART TWO

So continue on with PART TWO with my last post...

We get home from the traumatic night and carry on with our being paranoid as heck and so stressed about Steven going unconscious again. The Dr. from the ER suggested we meet with a neurologist to get finer details and hopefully figure out what happened, he didn't think it was a seizure as everything else looked fine and apparently when you have a seizure it releases something into your blood that can be found through blood work, which there was no sign of. Well we meet with a neurologist and he does numerous tests once again. We also met with a psychologist who is well educated in ADD, anxiety, OCD, and other such things. Very knowledgeable man, and I was kind of intimidated when I first met him to be honest. The tests showed that he for sure didn't have a seizure and they believe that a lot of stress and depression sort of took over his body so to say. Which leads to me to another story that happened weeks after the 911 call.

Steven had mentioned he was under a lot of stress with going to school full time, ROTC responsibilities in the army, losing his job and starting a new one all while trying to be a good husband and father. I mean who isn't stressed when they go to school and have a million things on their plate?! This new job he took seemed to be perfect. It was at night so he had the day to go to school and do homework and spend the little time in between with us. It was from 9pm- 1am. The first couple of weeks were a little rough adjusting to the new time/sleep change. I honestly didn't think it was that bad of a schedule seeing as how I used to be up with Calvin in the nights feeding and tending to him when he woke. There was one specific night we were coming home from running errands and I was worried Steven was going to quit his job, because of the lack of sleep he was getting, before he had a new job to replace it. I was trying to reason with him and told him he had to stay yada yada. He mentioned something about being depressed about how dark and low he gets right before he goes into work and throughout the night.* Now the Dr's and psychologist asked him about having any type of suicidal thoughts and he described the thoughts he would have and they said that they weren't serious enough to be of a high risk* Well that night as he left I was at home and couldn't help but worry that he made it to work OK based off of what he had mentioned, "what if he really did try to kill himself? no..he wouldn't do that to me..?" I got worried. I hadn't hear from him for awhile and usually he will send me some sort of text whether he arrived or just saying he loved me or whatever. nothing. I tried calling him a few times and he wasn't answering and I kind of expected it seeing as how we had gotten into an argument about his job. I texted him to say I was worried and wanted to make sure he got to work OK. time went by. still nothing. I started to panic and then broke down after countless rings and voice mails I got on his phone. What was I going to do? I didn't have a car (we only had one car at the time) Calvin was asleep. I tried calling the KSL building where his job was (custodial work he did for the church they rotate at the buildings there downtown) I got to the radio guy, and he couldn't lead me to anyone he had no idea what I was talking about but could hear the panic in my voice. no luck. I finally call my mother-in-law and broke down to her not knowing what to do I felt helpless and we talked for a good while about what was going on and I finally calmed down. She tried calling him a few times, no answer, I kept trying call after call. We had my sis in law who lives downtown drive to the building to see if she could at least see our car. Well he parks underground where he goes into work so there was no such luck there. My mother-in-law finally decides to call the cops and have them go down to where he works to find him. He calls me from his phone and explains he left it in the car because he didn't want to talk to anyone. He wanted to shut everyone out and just wasn't thinking and apologized for scaring us all. I was so mad but couldn't be because I was so relieved that he was OK.

After that our next appointment with the psychologist I told him what happened and how worried I was. He had no idea how severe it was as Steven was ashamed or didn't realize how deep into depression he really was. The Dr. advised that he no longer works those hours and he had an explanation that made sense other than just because it was a crappy shift time. He explained to me that with Stevens ADD and for anyone who has ADD, they can't handle losing that much sleep. Their brains work so many miles a minute trying to keep track of everything that happens in their head that by the end of the day it needs that full 8 hrs of rest. *not gonna lie I wanted to be furious with that fact as don't we all need 8 hrs of sleep?!* BUT instead I understood that for so many years of him working and going to school and doing so many things he was already losing so much sleep over the years that that is one of the reasons his body shut down. It couldn't take it. He has sleep deprivation severely and that he technically shouldn't be driving as it is as equivalent to being a drunk driver. *explains his crazy driving?* obviously he didn't get his license taken away or anything like that but he did order him to get more sleep. who wouldn't want that order? So from then on things made sense. He didn't have severe anxiety but more depression with his ADD and a little bit of OCD which they kind of all tie in together a little bit. We got his medication changed and before we knew it Steven was back. its like a light switch almost. No he isn't completely perfect and he still has his bad days and good days. but no where near how down he used to be.

 It was the hardest thing on our marriage because I didn't understand what was going on and neither did he. After meeting with the psychologist, he also does marriage counseling, we decided to meet with him for that reason for a little bit to help each other better understand what was missing or misunderstood. I will admit that is the last thing that you want to admit. I thought in my head "we're fine, I don't need someone to tell us how to do something or whats we can work it out" And it wasn't really that way at all. He talked to us separately and then together. these psychologist are like magic he knew exactly my thought process or how I was feeling and same with Steven. We did a few exercises over the weeks and life got a little easier and better. I am not ashamed to say that we had counseling I think in fact every couple should do it as there is no harm in it other than making things better than they already are. how is that possible?! Now people may wonder or think why would someone put something so personal out on the internet for everyone to see?(like this) I get it. For the longest time Steven was so ashamed of the fact that he had ADD and some chemical imbalances he couldn't control that he pretty much didn't believe it. and I was so ashamed or embarrassed that we had "problems" that affected our lives so much that it affected everything else in our lives. I was envious of everyone else. I hated Facebook and instagram so much because all I saw were people getting pregnant or having babies, getting new jobs that obviously would pay more to move up in life, getting skinnier, going on vacations, buying houses.. everything pretty much. Which I really truly am happy for them but I almost hated them at the same time because I wanted it so bad thinking it would make up for the bad. No my life wasn't miserable. It just wasn't easy. But when is life ever easy? As soon as I started to understand my husband better and myself for that matter things looked up. We figured out how to help him instead of being frustrated. I wasn't ashamed anymore of going to marriage counseling, my life, or anything that was happening. I look back at it now as a huge blessing. Steven and I understand each other so much better now and the advice we got will forever help us down the road. I write such personal posts on here in hopes that it will make other people feel better that they aren't alone. SO many people go through the same thing if not close to it. I don't post this to get any sort of reward or sympathy but to maybe help someone who may be having a difficult time themselves.

Steven and I have been through a lot in the past couple of years. A LOT. And it is totally OK with me. I am so much more grateful for everything I have in my life. I'm grateful to be married to such a loving man who comes from a loving family. I'm grateful for my parents and family who have done nothing but stand behind us when we want to fall. For friends who care about us and treat us like family. For the gospel in my life to bring me up when I feel so helpless. and last but not least for our sweet baby Calvin who really isn't a baby anymore. Through this all he has done nothing but bring smiles to our faces and so much joy on those bad days. I don't know how kids do it, but they make everything better. And the past couple of years haven't ALL been bad. There were a lot of good moments too that I will catch up on. like Calvin turning 1, holidays, and more :) Thank you all for reading, for your support and love. We are so blessed!

Much love,

Thursday, February 6, 2014

That one night..

It has been several months and holidays since I have posted and I feel I have a pretty good excuse as to why. It has been so crazy and it seems to have calmed down quite a bit and I feel the need to write down all the chaos that has been happening in our lives so that one day we can look back and remember the trials that have been put in our lives to make us who we are today.  So pop some popcorn, open that soda pop because this is a long one! (maybe some tissues)

One of the last things I said was about having to make a 911 call for the first time ever that scared me half to death. Well I'm ready to elaborate on that a bit. It was a normal day for us on Friday, September 27, 2013.  We both had work that had come and gone. As we are home I had dinner in the crock pot, in which i was very excited about. I was getting Calvin situated with his dinner and had asked Steven to pull apart the meat in the crock pot so we could have dinner ourselves. We were all fine doing our thing and then Steven mentioned he didn't feel good at all and needed to go sit down for a minute. I go to finish prepping the meat for dinner and had this feeling that I needed to go check on him in the other room. I come to the living room to find my husband slouched in the chair like dead body weight with his eyes closed. My heart stopped for a second then started beating really fast as I panicly asked him if he was OK. No response. "Steven?!" he then starts to open his eyes and I calm down a bit and ask him if he was OK. He tells me that he didn't feel very good still and I asked if he was hungry and he said not really I'm going to go lay down on the bed for a little bit I feel kind of sick. So he gets up and moves to our bedroom and I go about my business getting Calvin cleaned up from dinner and making a plate for myself. I sit down to eat but then have this urgent feeling to check on Steven again. I go into the room to him laying perpendicular to the way you normally lay on the bed (which is typical when he goes to take a cat nap) I ask him how he was doing and if he was feeling any better. No response. *I'm thinking he must have really fallen asleep* I shake his back as his face was in the bed almost and facing the pillows and ask him Steven are you OK? nothing. *my heart starts racing* Steven! He slowly comes to and says "huh.." "Are you OK?! are you hungry yet?" an even longer delayed response than before he mumbles something I cant understand. *this whole time my heart is pounding a million times a minute and he doesn't move one inch of his body* I stand there next to the bed no clue what is going on. I keep trying to talk to him to get him to talk. I finally ask him if he can move his body. His responses were mumbled if nothing at all. He finally gets out "give me a minute" as he tries to move his body I see nothing happen at all. I immediately call my mom as I'm thinking he is maybe having a seizure or had a seizure or one was about to happen. He had tons of drool coming from his mouth, he felt hot but he always does..after a few short minutes on the phone with my mom fighting back tears and the panic in my voice she tells me the words I had in my head but didn't want to believe it. Call 911. I've never called 911 I thought. Why is this happening. maybe I can get him to get up and make it to the car. I try everything I can to not call 911. I keep talking to Steven telling him he needs to get up or move. no response. He all of a sudden starts crying hysterically and says "I'm sorry, I'm sorry"  *a million things ran into my head trying to think of why he was so sorry?!* I kept asking "what?!" because I was so confused! nothing in response. I tell him "Steven I need you to get up so I can take you to the ER, If you cant move then I have to call an ambulance because I can't carry you!" after a VERY delayed response and me repeating myself he says "give me a minute" I tell him I am going to put on Calvin's jammies and If I get back and he cant move I'm calling 911. I get back he's still in the same position. "Steven?!" "call the ambulance" and he starts crying again. I have never seen this kind of cry it was hysterical and almost like a whimper. weird.
With shaky fingers I dial 911. *I get very quiet and almost cant breathe when I'm in a panic* A very nice lady answered and I proceeded to tell her what was going on and she got our information at this point Steven was no longer responsive at all. call the ambulance was the last I heard from him and that was so mumbled he barely got it out. I was trying to stay super calm during this whole thing especially for Calvin's sake. I feel I did a pretty dang good job considering I was freaking out inside and my mind was all over the place. Finally the paramedics arrive and we are all standing in my bedroom as four guys are working on Steven. I've got 2 guys asking me all these questions like is your husband diabetic, did he overdose, is he suicidal? no, No, NO! Of course they have to ask those questions but it doesn't make it any easier on me as it puts all sorts of things in my head!  All of his vitals were normal. but they got absolutely NO response from Steven and his body was just limp on the bed. They tap his chest, open his eyes, all sorts of tests. nothing. *I almost hyperventilate at this point, what is going on with my husband?!* They come to no conclusion other than he needs to be taken to the ER. they pack up and as they pull him off the bed I lose it as he literally is like a dead body being picked up. so limp and heavy. The firefighter/paramedic calmed me down assured me he was going to be OK. I grab I don't even know what. Calvin's diaper bag and blanket and rush to the car as they put him in the ambulance. Nothing is worse than driving behind an ambulance with your seemingly dead husband in the back of it. (he wasn't even close to dying but as non responsive as he was that's what it felt like)
We get to the ER I run inside and they get us checked in. and allow us to go into the room where he was. Holding my sweet baby boy in my arms, we walk around the corner in hopes to see a responsive alert father/husband. He looked in so much pain. he was foaming at his mouth a little and cringing clenching his teeth tossing and turning. I immediately turn around facing the nurses desk holding my mouth trying not to let those tears fall down again and so that Calvin wouldn't have to see his daddy in such a state. He calms down and I ask what happened. They tell me "well he had a catheter put in and he didn't seem to like it so we took it out, that's why he was in so much pain, everywhere else we poked, prodded, asked if it hurt he shook his head no." *well duh hes gonna be in pain from a catheter* My sweet sister-in-law arrived just as he was calming down from the pain of the catheter being taken out. I asked her if she could take Calvin home as he was up way past his bedtime and I didn't want him there any longer in case something were to happen. She hangs out a bit before leaving to see if we can get Steven to wake up as he was pretty out of it still. He sort of wakes up and is in and out. still cant move anything though. His nurse's name was Steven, real cool guy, calm and helpful. After Erica and Calvin leave. I sit there in the corner chair staring at my husband my eyes filled with tears wondering if he was ever going to wake up and be normal again. Was my life going to drastically change?! the unknown is scary sometimes. The nurse urges me to hold his hand and talk to him *reminded me of Calvin in the nicu and me seeing him for the first time* I hold his hand and talk to him asking him if he can hear me. kissed him on the forehead and told him I loved him. I prayed that Heavenly Father would assure me that he would not take my husband away from me and to help him get better. A few moments later Steven opens his eyes and looks at me and manages to get a teeny smile to me. *I immediately felt comfort, he was going to be OK* I ask him if he can squeeze my hand. I could see him staring at his hand trying to move it, working so hard but nothing happened. my heart sank a little bit. As time went on he had all these tests, MRI, EEG, blood work, and million other things. nothing came back. He slowly gained movement back he squeezed my hand, could move his arms, and lastly he wiggled his toes. Before we knew it he had to pee and stood up to pee in a bottle which was hilarious might I add! The Dr didn't seem to find anything in his tests the only thing is that he thinks he be hypoglycemic. He highly advised, more like ordered us to see a neurologist to follow up and do further testing that they weren't able to. and then we were on our way home. Everyone was convinced he had a seizure, in the family, the Dr's were almost positive that it wasn't one but they cant say for sure.
Not knowing what happened or if it was going to happen again was such a scary feeling. I was so on edge watching Stevens every move constantly asking him if he was OK. *paranoid much?!*

I will continue on to tell you what the conclusion came to in my next post. After meeting with Dr's. and psychologists, the endless questions and concerns. Where was our life going to go now? Today as I write this my hands were shaking and tears filled my eyes as I relive this moment. I hope no one ever has to experience anything like this in their lifetime! It is quite possibly the scariest thing I've dealt with. Stay tuned for PART TWO of the story about what happened after this huge event. along with some catch up posts on holidays, birthdays etc. Thanks for reading and not judging ;)

Much Love, 

Thursday, October 3, 2013

ummm HI!

Well hello blogger world! Its been um...quite some time! Long overdue. The last post was when Calvin was about 8 1/2 months old? and now hes going to be ONE in a few weeks?! WHAAAAAT! Time needs to slow down! These last few months have been quite adventurous! We went through a job loss, going to California MULTIPLE times, Army crap, and a bunch of other random things like being outside, laying out at the pool. It is now October 3rd and it is 46 degrees outside. BOTH my husband and I are employed as he is still going to school and in the Army. He works for the LDS church doing custodial work downtown during the night. That has been quite the change and I'm not quite sure I'm loving it, but its a job and I really cant complain. I love my job working at BareMinerals boutique in the fashion place mall. I mean who doesnt love playing with makeup all day making people feel beautiful! All the girls I work with are so awesome and there is no competition against each other which rare to find working with a bunch of girls! I've been lucky :) Its also nice to get some adult interaction a few days a week besides baby talk..haha. So I may be posting some new makeup posts here and there, I learn new tricks the more I play! I still do hair on the side, at home for friends and family, its just nice to change it up a bit from the hair scene.

Onto what majority of this blog is about..Calvin Daniel. Oh where to start with this kid? Well he's 11 1/2 months old. He's a freakin tank and is getting too heavy to carry around for long periods of time! I think he weighs close to if not 27 lbs. Solid, tall kid we've got on our hands. He is still a fabulous kid and is showing such personality lately! He's speed crawling everywhere, hates to be in a room by himself, walks with a walker and will take a few steps on his own, pulls everything out of place, eats EVERYTHING and anything, smiles like no other, and loves to cuddle and give me kisses. (i hope he never stops that part (; ) His tude some days! He can scream a high pitched scream and will cry if you tell him no or he can't have something that he wants. I'm in trouble. Nonetheless I still love this kid like crazy and am still trying to grasp the fact that he will be 1! I can't believe it! He brings us so much joy and happiness I couldnt imagine life without him!

Other news in the Crosby household? meh. not much. besides the fact that I had to call 911 on friday evening. nbd. I mean NOT. scariest things ever. and it will be far to long to explain this now. So I will write a post about that another time hopefully with more answers as to what exactly happened because we still aren't positive. All I've got to say is live every day as if it were your last! Seriously you NEVER know what can happen in the blink of an eye! I love my husband and my little guy and the life we have and wouldn't choose anything different!


Sunday, June 30, 2013


The past couple weeks I've had these thoughts and revelations come to me and I just feel the need to share them with you. I know we all have different beliefs or ways we live our lives, but I feel everyone deserves to be happy. I have found myself guilty of getting wrapped up in the worldly things surrounding us. We are all guilty of this and I've come to realize or remember what's most important here. Its so easy to go through pinterest numerous times and build up boards filled with pins of things we don't have or want. Yes I LOVE pinterest, and get A LOT of super good ideas off of it. But at the same time I find a lot of things that I don't have. Being a lover of fashion and beauty its easy to get lost in the world of wanting the most perfect outfit, accessories, shoes, you name it, that are most likely super expensive and not so budget friendly. Because of that reason, we may feel angry or depressed that we aren't blessed with the opportunity to afford such things, and that leads to thoughts that we are too poor, no fair, etc etc. We also have so many of our friends that are buying new cars and homes and we are so happy for them, but that can bring jealous and envious feelings in a lot of us! Of course I want a new house right now and be able to decorate and do whatever I want to it, have a backyard for my dog and son to play in, but should I be so envious that I feel angry or depressed and hate my apartment or current situation? Absolutely not. The hubs and I finally went to the temple last week and during just that short time we were in there I was reminded what our purpose is here on earth. It's not about where we live, how much money we have, how many name brand clothes, shoes, or type of cars we have. Its about our family, happiness, serving others, and sharing the gospel so that those around us can enjoy the same eternal happiness that we believe in and enjoy. There's nothing I would want more than to be with my family for time and all eternity. So lets all just forget about the competition to have the cutest/nicest looking house, fancy clothes, shoes, cars, and all material things and lets remember the more important things in life! If we choose to think/act this way I know it will bring us so much happiness. Now I'm not saying to never go shopping or whatever, because I love me some shopping, but I look forward to my thrift store. Nothing beats someone saying, "omg I love your dress/shirt/skirt/shoes" and me responding with "thanks I got it for a $1!" And I cannot wait for the day we buy our first home, but right now I'm just enjoying the adventures of being a mom and not having to worry about fixing something in the apartment if it breaks :)
Don't worry, Be happy! Because I guarantee you will look back eventually and enjoy the "poor" days the most, I know I am!


Wednesday, May 15, 2013

It happens. Get over it. Get moving!

Life 7 months after a baby I expected to be in a heck of a lot better shape than I am now! having a baby in the fall/winter however didn't help. Like always, I got SUPER motivated, I mean really. Went to the gym as soon as I could. slowly started running again, ate better, drank lots of water. and then...

dun dun dun....

The holidays happened. All the sweets and comfort food. Mexican culture is natural to have lots of good food. (OK maybe that's any culture) but I especially love Mexican food. So all the tamales and rice at Christmas....oh boy! and to add to that my grandmas rocky road dessert and all the pumpkin pies and breads. its just a disaster in your body. but secretly I don't mind it...;) Like I said in my title, it happens, get over it, get moving!

I've always been up and down when it comes to being "skinny" or in shape I should say. High school I had an amazing bod not gonna lie (thanks to soccer), but even then I still thought I was a little overweight. What is it with us girls and always thinking we are fat in some way?! It's annoying. But after all these months of me struggling to get my booty back into a routine of eating right and losing weight. I have come to accept that weight doesn't matter. The numbers on the scale don't mean anything. It's all about how I feel inside. I could be 120 lbs (skeleton..that was like when I was in middle school) and starving and miserable...or 160 lbs. and be perfectly fine and feeling really fit and "skinny". Notice I say "skinny"? That's because I know that my skinny isn't gonna be what my friends skinny is. I'm pretty tall and feel I have bigger bones. So of course my skinny is going to weigh more than someone who comes up to my shoulders. Also like most everyone knows, muscle weighs more than fat.

I don't know how many pins I've pinned on Pinterest, and blogs I've read for hours trying to find a good way to lose weight. (when in reality, I already know in my head what to do, just looking for some magical secret or something I guess?) But what it comes down to for everyone is, its up to you. Its up to you how badly you want to work out. Its up to you how quickly you want to lose weight. Its up to you if you really want to eat those fries and soda(my weakness). Its up to you to decide what plan works best for you. Just because it worked so great for someone else, doesn't mean you will get the same results. Sure you can do the same "plan" but modify it to meet your needs. 

Also doesn't watching So You Think You Can Dance and Dancing with the Stars, make you wanna get in shape and have ripped abs?! I mean seriously. watch an episode and tell me you aren't motivated?  Anyhow, bottom line is. Its time. I've said this multiple times. but it's got to happen. I want to be healthier for my family, and most of all myself. Happy wife happy life right?
side note: as I am typing this my body is sore, because yes I indeed did get up and go out for a run yesterday morning. It was a TERRIBLE run and I almost turned around multiple times, but I didn't and I'm proud of myself for finishing that mile and a half

So here's to fitting into those jeans I've had in my closet for years waiting for me. This fall. It's gonna happen. If it does happen. I think I might cry of happiness. 

Also I was thinking once I reach my goal, I deserve a reward. So my friends, I'm looking to you for ideas on what to reward myself with? Something that will motivate me even more to reach my goal faster! So please, if you would, leave a comment suggesting some sort of reward, and any tips you may have. So far my plan is eat more "rabbit food" (fruits and veggies) and watch my caloric intake of heavy carbs. Exercising at least 4 times a week as a start. and having ONE cheat day a week. I have to have a cheat day. I just do. otherwise I'll keep ending up at square one.

Well thanks for reading, I look forward to your feedback!