The Crosby Crew: December 2012

Like I mentioned before I was going to write about our experience in the NICU..SO here we go!

Shortly after Calvin was born, I was told he would have to go to the NICU because he was grunting and not breathing well. Of course I was super sad and devastated that they had to take my baby away from me right away after his awaited arrival. But at the same time, I wasn't really worried. I remember thinking, well he is in one piece, he has all 10 fingers and toes, and a beautiful set of hair! what more could a hairdresser ask for?! On top of that the nurses kept reassuring me he would be just fine numerous times. But I had no emotions at the time, maybe it was all the drugs? haha no I peace knowing that Heavenly Father would take care of our baby boy and what ever happens was meant to be even if I may not have understood it at first. That night I could hardly sleep, partly because I was starving and the other part was because I wanted to hear how Calvin was doing and any updates. I got maybe 2 hrs of sleep that morning?

Early that morning just before breakfast came the NICU Dr came in and said that he was working really hard to breath and that they needed to put him on the ventilator and talked a bunch about a ton of other things it felt like but she concluded that she think he will be just fine, its just up to him on how fast he recovers. She also brought a framed headshot of him as well as the full body shot. I seriously stared at these pictures all morning long. I just wanted to see him! After breakfast we asked the nurses when we were able to go see him, they said oh anytime you want! thanks for telling me! :\ We headed down and he was in the level 3 room. walking in, I felt like I couldn't touch anything or anyone. But the nurses quickly made me feel comfortable and showed me how to touch him and what was going on. They used a bunch of medical terms that were so foreign to me all I wanted to know was if he was making progress and when I could hold him! I seriously asked everyday and visit if I could hold him, but they kept saying no. It was so hard seeing him for the first time with all the tubes and ventilator on. Such a small little human having tubes and needles poked all over his body. The hardest part for me I think was when he would cry with the ventilator, they make no sound because its basically in the vocal chords. Saddest thing to see a baby cry but make not a sound just his red screaming face :( I had my first breakdown that night and bawled me eyes out, I just wanted him to be ok and out of there. All I can say is I am so thankful to have such an amazing and supportive husband who was there right by my side with his shoulder to cry on and encouraging words to calm me down. I had several breakdowns the days following, but thats kind of expected right?!

Well I believe it was the next day, Thursday, we got a new nurse,Nora, at first I wasn't sure about her, I didnt connect with her at the first visit I made with her there. But she then became my favorite nurse in the NICU and was so helpful and supportive each day I came to see him. I had been told by all the nurses that I wasn't able to hold him until the main IV came out of his hand as there are numerous risks of the needle moving and causing other issues which i understood, but I just wanted a few minutes to hold him a little. I prayed every second for the chance to hold him, and Nora was the answer to my prayers. From the second visit I made with her there she explained everything again to me as to what was happening with him and why it happens and went into detail and that is when I really understood what was going on. All I knew from before was just that he was having a hard time breathing, but i never fully understood why that was. She always had a smile on her face, and would take the time to get to know me and talk to me when she could. She gave me hope and the positive energy that was slowly slipping away from me at first. Friday when I was being discharged I went to visit him and bring him my milk before I left and I didn't think this would happen, but I got SO emotional about leaving without him. I knew he was going to be ok, but while I was talking to Nora as I was leaving I go that huge lump in my throat and I tried so so hard to not cry, but the tears just kept filling up in my eyes and she could see it. I then broke down and she gave me a nice big hug telling me he was going to be ok and everything would be fine. (mind you, if you really know me and know I'm not one to be emotional and hug someone for a long period of time especially if I hardly know them..she was special) She is the one that let me hold Calvin for the first time since birth even though I technically wasn't supposed to according to the other nurses. From that point on everything got much better.

Eventually the IV came out and I got so excited! We could really hold him for awhile, and not just a few minutes. Later that day when the IV came out he was moved to the Level 1 room. THere were about 10 other babies in this room compared to the last one where there were only about 3 other babies. It was a little overwhelming to see so many babies in there, but also exciting because from here when he gets better he gets to leave the NICU! But i will say from here on out it felt like he was in there forever! I would go everyday after I left the hospital several times a day as much as I could. The nurses I had in recover advised me to take the time to nap while I was at home and he was there. THat was nearly impossible. I did take a good nap when I had gotten home, but I just wanted to hold him all day everyday. Also when he first got into this room he was being bottle fed, and the day I picked up my mom and she met him for the first time was the first time I actually got to feed him myself! I had been pumping and everyday hoping we would get a chance to try breastfeeding mainly because I was so nervous about it and wanted to know how he did. well a few days later he was well enough to try it out, and he did it like a champ! Ok he may not have latched on the right way at first which I didnt know, but I did get lucky with him easily going back and forth from bottle to breastfeeding.I did get mastitis (a breast infection in case you were wondering what that was) that weekend. and I really do not wish this upon anyone. The worst feeling ever. I was so weak with body aches, fever, and chills that caused me to shake uncontrollably so it was hard for me to rest at first. But with some antibiotics, rest, and an awesome mom and hubby to take care of you, I was feeling better within a few days. Breastfeeding hurt like heck during this time, but like they promised, it got better and better.

Calvin had good days and bad days in the NICU. There were days where the nurses were hopeful and saying oh well tomorrow bring in the carseat to do the carseat test and we'll go from there. PS. the carseat test is a 2 hr test they have them sit in the carseat and see if they manage to breath easily on their own or with oxygen if they are being sent home on oxygen. also if they tell you to bring in the carseat, that means you get to take him home the next day! As exciting as this can be, it can also make it harder, because there was a time they told us to bring it in and we did and then they said he had to go back on the oxygen and wasn't doing well enough yet. he was in there another week! I loved most nurses in there. Some seemed to careless or seem stuck up? that was mainly at night tho, maybe they were dreading the long overnight shift? who knows, but everyone seemed to be helpful and informational. It was fun to see all the different baby name tags in there. some cute ones and some very interesting ones! I did get jealous when other babies went home before mine. but needless to say I wanted him to be as healthy as could be so I wouldnt have to worry anymore when he was at home. He got his first bath a few days before he came home, and we got there right as she was wrapping him up. and it was nice to brush his hair and feed a freshly cleaned baby that smelled oh so good. The days were all sort of the same routine. go feed, hold and stare at him forever, and back and forth until the next day. When the day came for him to come home, it didnt seem real. I was actually going to have the life I invisioned with my baby at home happy and healthy! As I look back at this experience, I have to say I am very grateful for the technology we have today. That they were able to tell his lungs were premature and had some fluid in them. That they were able to control his breathing and bring him back to the healthy baby is. Without the NICU team and the amazing knowledge, love and support they give you, I dont know how anyone could get through it. As I'm sure you may have seen on facebook. One of the nurses made all the babies in the NICU an owl hat and took pictures of them in a little tree she had made! How adorable and thoughtful! I dont think I can thank the NICU nurses enough for the time they spend with these babies and care they give them. I definitely dont wish for anyone to have to go through the NICU experience but if you do, know that they are getting the best care and are in the best place for them to get healthy. I'm just happy that i now have a happy healthy baby who I love oh so much :)

The Crosby Crew

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The NICU experience

Monday, December 10, 2012

A Picture Birth Story

Saturday, December 1, 2012