The birth of Harrison Jay

From the very beginning, this whole pregnancy with Harrison was something special. It was SUCH a shock and surprise when I found out that I was pregnant, that I knew and felt that Heavenly Father sent us this sweet blessing for a reason especially after how hard of a time I had getting pregnant with Andie. When I finally came to this conclusion and got excited about having another baby so soon, I grew this special connection with him as he grew in my belly that is hard to describe. He is meant to be here with us in our family and boy is that true.

As I went to my Dr appointments during this pregnancy everything was just normal. The only thing extra I had to do was a few extra tests and ultrasounds to check on him because I was on some PPD medication in the very early stages of my pregancy as I didnt know I was even pregnant until I was about 8/9 wks along! Fortunately I was on such a low dose and sort of started to self wean from the medication that it had no affect on him :) Everything else was a regular routine check up. Once I hit 36 weeks I expected to see some sort of dilation or effacement because I had SOMETHING happen by this point with my other two pregnancies and I had been feeling quite a bit of uncomfortable braxton hicks random contractions. I also had been having a lot of cramping/aching in my lower back that I never experienced with my other pregnancies either so I felt like something was happening. But low and behold I go to my 36 wk appointment and everything was fine. No effacement or dilation, just my cervix started to soften. I was kind of bummed. Ok...REALLY bummed because my hips were so uncomfortable I just wanted to be done already, but at the same time I realized it was fine because it was too early for something to be happening right then anyways. It was a Friday that I had this appointment, so we went on with our weekend.

 Monday came a long and I remember not feeling super great and really uncomfortable. I was having lots of back aches and contractions that were not enough to make me stop and bend over in pain, but enough for me to notice and be uncomfortable. I didn't think much of it because they were so off and on and had been happening for the past week I figured it was just my body getting ready to go into labor soon but not yet as I had just been checked a few days ago. I remember that night after we put the kids to bed I had the thought, maybe I should just put my hospital bag together just in case, not even thinking that I could possibly be going into labor. Once I was all packed I took a hot body shower as that was the only thing to help me relax enough to get somewhat of a comfortable sleep.
I wake up around 2:30 am to some painful contractions. I try to dose off and go back to sleep, but they kept coming. I didn't want to wake anyone up yet because It wasn't painful enough that I couldn't handle them, and I wanted to time them to see if this was really it or if it would fade away like they had been doing the past week. About 5 o'clock hits and the contractions were starting to get REAL. I wake up Steven to let him know whats been going on, of course his response...half asleep mind you..."ok so...what? we go to the hospital?" you would think by the third kid he would get it. HA. I told him to start getting his things together, and shower if he wanted to before we left. I go downstairs to tell my mom we needed to go to the hospital since she teaches seminary and my dad leaves early for work, we needed Addie to stay back to be here for the kids when they woke up.
My mom didn't quite believe it was really happening yet. Even my dad mentioned to her after I left their room "do you think shes faking it?" hahah apparently I was too calm when I told them. I go back upstairs to try and wait it out a bit more, but the walking and different positions didn't help ease any pain, it just got worse. We were gonna call Labor and Delivery to let them know we were coming when my mom comes up about 5:30 and says I think you can hold out until I'm done with Seminary and then we can go and Addie will stay with the kids. (mind you seminary starts at 6:10 and I would have to wait till a little after 7) HECK. NO. I asked if she was joking and said there is absolutely no way I could wait THAT long. We compromised at her going to start seminary, and letting them go early, or having another teacher cover  and her coming back with Addie to watch them (which really I knew she was trying to wait it out longer haha) It got so painful during some contractions that there were some tears and swear words coming right along with them. It was time to go. We had already called the L&D by this point and texted my mom that we needed to leave but needed someone home with the kids. She finally gets home after what felt like forever, and we take off to the hospital.
We get to the hospital trying to find the closest parking...only to be told we couldn't park there or we would be towed. Some more words were said as I was going through some big ones and we finally get into the right parking. I get out and waddle quickly to the doors in between some serious contractions. We get situated in my room and I barely get dressed down into the gown and in bed.

 They finally check me and discover I'm at a 4 so they admit me; which I had no question they wouldn't. Its about 7:30 by this time. I had also tested positive for group b strep this pregnancy again so I had to hopefully get 2 bags of antibiotics before I delivered. The contractions just kept coming and coming and I could not wait for that epidural! By the time they had me sign a few things, get my antibiotics started, and finally get the anesthesiologist to come in I was SO ready for it. (I don't know how women go through natural labor, props to you mommas!) After the epidural was in and I was starting to get a little bit more relaxed, they checked me again. This time I was dilated to an 8! Within an hour!

I was so excited things were progressing much faster than they did with Andie's labor. We get my sis-in-law Annelise over to the hospital to take some pictures because we expected him to be there within the next hr or so at the rate I was going. Well my water still hadn't broken and he hadnt dropped yet and since I was so early (being 36 wks 5 days pregnant) and I hadnt had both doses of the antibiotics yet, they didnt want to break my water until I had both doses and let things happen on its own if I progressed more.

 By 10:30 I was checked again and at a 10 and 100% effaced ready to go, they just needed to break my water. But we had to wait until 12:30 to get my second dose of antibiotics. Once the bag was done I was ready to go! They came in and broke my water, had me do a few "practice pushes" to bring baby down a little bit since he was still up there. (side note: this epidural was PERFECT, It numbed me enough to be comfortable but I could still feel the contractions and move my legs. hallelujah)

They had me stop right away after the second push so the doctor could get there. I guess my OB was out of town so I had the Dr on call, which turned out to be great. He was so kind and made this delivery a little extra special. I started pushing once he was all ready. I pushed for about 15 minutes? Right before his head was out, the Dr said "Ok, you're gonna give me a really good push this next contraction and then you're gonna reach down and pull him out." I'm like what?! ok! Next thing I know his head is out and I'm reaching down and pulling Harrison out!

 7lbs 3oz 19 in long born at 1:36 pm. I don't even know how to describe to you how special that felt. So empowering. I put him on my chest on the towel and we clean him off a bit to lay him skin to skin. That's when we noticed it.....the grunting began. We suctioned him, trying to get everything out that he may have inhaled and kept him skin to skin in hopes that he would figure out the breathing thing being close to his momma. I snuggled him and talked to him telling him to relax and that it was ok. I knew the whole time deep down that they were gonna take him away to work on him no matter how bad I didnt want that to happen. I hung on to every minute I could with him praying like no other he would stop grunting. The hospital I was in didn't have a NICU so if he didnt stop soon they would need to transport him over to the closest one. I was in denial. This wasn't happening to me AGAIN?! They took him off my chest and tried to give him oxygen and make sure his lungs were clear; which they were. He had no fluid in his lungs at all and it was just a matter of him figuring out how to breathe on his own.

I feel SO blessed to have had a sweet friend of ours Lisa from our ward be a charge nurse in the maternity department of  my hospital who came to help deliver him. (as she helped deliver Andie also!) She was working on him trying to avoid him from leaving the hospital at all costs. It is the hardest thing sitting there in your bed, feeling helpless that your baby is struggling and you cant do anything. My delivery nurse was SO sweet and kept coming in to check on me but also giving me space during this difficult time. She brought me food, because of course I was starving, but when It got there I couldn't eat. Nurses were coming in and out of the room trying to work on Harrison. It had gotten to the point where they called the NICU team from the hospital to come pick him up as our pediatrician decided that was best for him after she checked him out. One nurse said to me as she was preparing things in and out of the room "you need to eat! I know your emotional and all but you need nutrition to feed him if you want to breastfeed". As she left the room saying this I just lost it and broke down crying. Steven came by my side and hugged me saying Harrison was going to be just fine. I knew he would be fine, I just didn't want him to leave and go through the NICU experience again. Lisa then mentioned she knew another nurse in the hospital who was a priesthood holder if we wanted to give Harrison a blessing. Absolutely! It was short and sweet but the emotions behind Stevens voice left the whole room silent for a few minutes, even Harrison.
By this time I had already gotten up out of bed to use the restroom and we were just waiting on the NICU team to get to the hospital, so I got up to sit in a chair next to his "bed" to hold him until he HAD to go. I held him so close and tight, just staring at him trying to calm him down and help regulate his breathing.

 Then the team walks in and the room started to spin for a minute. Everything started happening so fast and I didnt want to believe it was really happening. I dont think anything can prepare you enough for watching your baby being strapped into an incubator box thing ( I forget what theyre called) and wheeled away on a gurney to an ambulance. I was already teary eyed as I sat on the bed watching them pack him up and signing papers, but once they started walking away I lost it once again.
My Nurse was so kind and tried to see if I could be discharged asap later that night if I felt good enough to go be with my baby, which I did feel fine for the most part. I was all on board, after all who wouldn't want to just be with their baby?..but then when they took him away and they came back and asked me what I wanted to do, I decided to stay the night and leave first thing in the morning after trying to get some rest.

 We were lucky enough to get a room with two beds all to ourselves. Steven passed out next to me, and I was sort of in and out of sleep between pumping and missing my baby/kids. I did get a good solid 4 hours of sleep, you know the kind where you wake up and think "oh man what time is it?!" so good. We finally get discharged the next morning around 10:30/11 and headed straight over to the nicu to see our sweet boy.

Recovery this time has been a breeze. The hardest part about Harrison being in the NICU (besides him just not being home with us) was getting the right time to actually go and visit and be with him. Between pumping, taking care of Andie, getting Calvin ready for school, and recovering myself the hospital was about 20 minutes away with no traffic so it wasn't a quick trip between everyone's schedule in the house. But luckily he was only there for a week, even though it felt like the longest week.
  I was so nervous that postpartum depression was going to hit again and worse, but fortunately I've been feeling great this time. Harrison is such an easy baby. He hardly cries, mainly when hes hungry. Hes the BEST snuggler. Like so good. He is my only baby that doesnt hate tummy time, every time I have put him down on his tummy he ends up falling asleep. His siblings love him to death and cant get enough of him some days. We feel beyond blessed with this sweet sweet spirit that joined our family.

Remembering Pregnancies

Being pregnant is something else I tell ya. 

You're body is able to grow a human!

 and you feel that tiny little human grow and move around during those 9 months of development. Just magical. 

All three of my pregnancies were different, not drastically but still unique. 

With Calvin, which was over 4 years ago, I was shocked and excited all at the same time. I didn't expect to get pregnant within the first month, it just all happened so fast. I was pretty nauseous with him, but I was working at a salon full time so that helped distract me mostly but I would have waves of questioning if I really needed to run to the bathroom while washing a clients hair or if it will pass. Besides that, everything else seemed to be pretty chill. I never got super big. The only aches and pains were my back from leaning over washing hair and standing on my feet a lot. I never got any weird cravings just always wanted fruit. I couldn't get enough peaches this pregnancy. I also could NOT eat the top crust of a sandwich. something about the texture? not sure but to this day I still have a hard time eating the crust sometimes ha ha.Towards the end I got pretty antsy mostly excited to meet him because at my 35 week apt I was already dilated to a 2 and 80% effaced. I was told to "take it easy" to prevent things happening sooner because I could be at that state for a few weeks or I could progress quicker. Well I had just stopped working at the salon at that point and hung out at home and took it easy so I thought. Come my 36 week apt I was dilated to a 3 and 100% effaced. Dr wasn't too thrilled but there was no stopping anything at this point, and it was just a waiting game from then on if I had that baby that day or  a few days later. The anticipation killed me. But Calvin must have known I was excited to meet him because my water broke later that night! He came quick after a 6 hr labor.

When we felt it was right to add another member to our family, we did not know what was in store for us. I had no problem getting pregnant that first time so quickly so this should be pretty easy right? WRONG. We tried for almost 2 years before I was blessed with this angel baby. It was the hardest and longest time of our lives. SO much happened during that time of trying and hurting with each negative test. Once I started meeting with the Dr about fertility we were moving in the direction of clomid. I had a slight hormone imbalance and went on medication for 30 days to see if that would regulate it. It did, but I still didn't get pregnant. That apt I had after that month to start clomid if I was still not pregnant was just shy a few days of me being able to start the process that month, so we had to wait until the following month for my next cycle. With prescription in hand, a few days before I went to fill it, I got that beautiful positive pregnancy test! With this pregnancy I was noticeably more nauseous than I was with Calvin. I actually got sick a few times also which never happened before. I couldn't eat eggs or yogurt, oh those made me sick to my stomach. I couldn't eat a lot at each meal, I would feel starving and think I wanted to pound a bunch of food but then I would take about 5 bites and be too full. I had lots of protein shakes because I knew I at least got some good nutrition on those days I felt awful. I never had much cravings this time around, mostly because I didn't feel super great off and on so I would just go through waves of something sounding good and eating it for a few days. With this pregnancy towards the end I found out I had SPD (symphisis pubic dysfunction). If you've had it, I'm sorry it sucks. It hurts putting pants on, turning over in bed, going up stairs you name it. That was my main struggle towards the end that made me want to just be done. All while I was trying to be positive and stay grateful for the fact that I was still pregnant with this baby that I wanted for so long. OH. Also, since Calvin was 3 wks early and in the NICU for 2 wks they wanted to watch me closely with this pregnancy to look for any preterm labor signs. So once I hit 28 wks went to a specialist 2 times a week for NST (non-stress tests) monitoring the baby's heart rate, watching for any contractions, and checking the amniotic fluid levels. It was SO fun to see my little girl twice a week in the ultrasound, but got so old driving to Corona from Tustin that many times a week. So nothing exciting happened early on like it did with Calvin. but at almost 37 wks I was dilated barely to a 1 but no effacement. A few days before 38 wks I was almost a 3 and 20% effaced. things moved SO slow this time. but I was ready, so I asked the Dr. to strip my membranes to get things really going. this was Christmas Eve mind you. 2 days later she finally came with the longest 12 hr labor. Partially because I tested positive for Group B strep and had to have 2 doses of antibiotics before they broke my water. 

This last pregnancy with Harrison was a complete shock. Like I literally cried for a week in disbelief, denial and fear of having two babies so close. My recovery with Andie was long and hard and I was finally feeling better at this point except all of a sudden I felt EXTREMELY tired all the time. I mean I did have a 4(or 5?) month old. I cant even remember how old Andie was when I found out. ha! After about a month of it setting in I started to get excited about this little gift and blessing in my belly from heaven. Besides being beyond exhausted, I felt great! I didn't hardly feel nauseous, just a slight uneasy stomach was all. No weird cravings this time either. Just random things like I would want gardettos to snack on and sour patch straws for a few days. but then I was over it. As far as aches and pains, they started a bit sooner than before. I decided to finally go to the chiropractor to help relieve my back pain. I didn't have the SPD hip pain like I did before so early on. The chiropractor was a huge lifesaver! I did get the SPD pain in the end, and when I had that pubic bone adjusted holy mother that was pain like no other. I could hardly walk at some points the pain was so bad. Needless to say I was so done with pregnancy and all the aches because it was hard to keep up with the kids, mainly carrying Andie up and down the stairs now that we are at my parents house. At my 34 week apt the Dr mentioned him measuring a little big, but not to worry. We set up an ultrasound to make sure he was head down and also check his weight at my 36 week apt. I about died when I looked up on that screen and they were saying he was measuring about 7 lbs 3 oz. ALREADY at 36 wks? that's what Andie was at 38 wks. My Dr said yup hes a big boy and if you go to your due date you're lookin at a 9 pounder. what the what. How do I go from these tiny 6 and 7 lb babies to a 9?! lol. I was hoping that when she checked me, because of some contractions I was having quite often, I would have some sort of dilation so that he would come earlier than my due date but not too early. nothing. NOTHING. no dilation. no effacement. just a soft cervix. I left that apt preparing for this football player baby in my belly that most likely wouldn't come for another week or 2 I felt. Yet again I was proved wrong. 4 days after that apt I went into the fastest labor with him being born when I was 36 wks and 5 days. His birth story will be up soon! 

How crazy is it for me to look back at each pregnancy and remember how different they all were with the different trials and fun that came with each one. I am beyond grateful for the opportunity I have to be a mom to all these three beautiful children. (its still SO weird to say I have 3 kids) As challenging as this whole parenthood thing can be it is the most fun and rewarding job I've ever had. I'm also so grateful or the blessing of having healthy uncomplicated pregnancies and deliveries. Bodies are amazing and I'm so proud of what my body has created no matter how stretched out and squishy it may be ;) 

XOxo 

Andie's Birth Story

As it has been WELL over a year that I've blogged.

 Its been on my mind.

 I enjoy it. 

Now that I'm home more and want to remember this time in my life despite the crazy that it is, 

This blog is going to come back to life! 

Even if I'm the only one that will look back at this and read it :) Lets start with the most important thing I want to blog about...Andie's Birth Story! 

This pregnancy was a huge blessing. When we decided we were ready add another child to our family we had no idea what we were in for. With Calvin I got pregnant that first month, so I had no clue that it would take as long as it did. It took a year and a half for this babe to stick in my belly. That was the longest time of my life. I was sad, confused, angry, and hopeful all at the same time. I started meeting with my OB after a year and we started discussing different options I never thought I would have to. I did more ovulations tests than I can remember. Nothing was happening. I had a slight imbalance in my hormones that could have an impact on my failure to get pregnant. So I went on medication for a month to regulate that. No baby. It was getting serious and we discussed starting clomid. I had the prescription paper in my hand bummed because I was already on my period when I got it so I had to wait until the following month to fill it and start the medication. Low and behold a few days before my follow up apt with my OB I had the idea to take a pregnancy test even though I dreaded seeing another negative, it turned out Positive! I cried, I smiled bigger than I had in awhile, and had a slight panic attack of disbelief. The Dr. confirmed it..My due date was January 8, 2016. I never believed that I would actually make it to this day seeing as how Calvin was barely 3 weeks early. I was told to see a specialist along with my regular dr appointments throughout my pregnancy to see if we can catch any signs of preterm labor that I had with Calvin that I was unaware of. I had several ultrasounds and starting at 28 wks I went weekly to the specialist to have a NST ( non-stress test) to check on the baby. While it sure was a hassle going so often to the dr, (twice a week) it was also really nice to be able to see my baby so often and be reassured she was still growing healthy and strong. but sure enough, the week before Christmas at my weekly Dr. appointment I started to dilate at 37 wks.  I was only a 1/2 but with how fast my labor was with Calvin and hearing stories of following babies being born just as fast if not quicker I was anxious when it would happen. Christmas Eve was my next apt and while I was about a 3 with little effacement I had a feeling this baby was coming that weekend. I just knew it. I was having contractions on and off already and some being painful, it was frustrating. the nurse practitioner gave me the option to strip my membranes that appointment to get things going more steady if I wanted. Heck yes! I wanted to meet my baby girl! As the day progressed the contractions came on and then went away. I was worried that I would go into labor and miss christmas morning with Calvin so we decided to do presents with the family that night since we were staying at my parents house to be closer to the hospital I was delivering at. I could feel my belly contracting and getting uncomfortable during presents but it just wasnt doing anything more like I wanted. We went for a walk that night to see if that would speed things up. it sure did bring on super painful contractions that were close enough apart that I thought it was it. (ALSO side note: I tested positive for group b strep and was SO worried about getting antibiotics in before the baby came so she wouldn't get sick.) I got my things and we headed to the hospital. Its a weird feeling driving to the hospital, you just sit there in silence (and pain) thinking about meeting this baby you've prayed and hoped for, for so long. We check in and I get dressed down into the gown starting to not be in as much pain as before, but still feeling the contractions. I thought..."no, no, no, dont you go away." Sure enough after some monitoring my contractions weren't strong enough and started to get further apart again. I was sent home. You better believe I balled my eyes out the whole way home with such frustration. Christmas morning we opened stockings and spent time with our family. It was a pretty quiet day. I was still bitter about the contractions not coming again. I was getting desperate and people were saying try castor oil. That is the one thing I vowed NEVER to do. well that went out the window that day. Late morning I went to the nearest store open and grabbed that bottle, mixed it with some OJ and chugged it. We waited. I got a little crampy, but nothing. Steven and I went to an afternoon movie together with my parents to let time pass. still nothing. My mom insisted I needed to take another TB to make it really work. The thought of that made me gag, but like I said I was over it. Chugged it. this time the cramping was worse and I made quite a few more bathroom trips than normal. it sucked. but I was definitely cleaned out! the contractions came again more painful. We waited to see if they would go away again. I tried to go to bed and get some rest before the next day because I had a feeling it was really going to happen the next day. It was like 1 or 2 in the morning and the contractions were so strong I couldn't lay down anymore. I tried to get up and walk around the room to see if they would subside. nope. I woke up my mom, who didnt believe me when I said I think we need to go to the hospital. She made me walk around some more in her room. LOL It got to a point that I would hunch over gripping onto the bed when the contractions came and she finally agreed I wasnt joking. I woke up Steven again, because I had woken him up so many times before, poor guy, and we headed back to the hospital. The nurses weren't too excited to see me because they told me the first time that it was too early for this baby to come, even though I was 38 wks that next day. They got me all hooked up and said I was definitely staying and started the antibiotics. The contractions started to get worse as time went on but I was still at a 3.5/4 in dilation. are you kidding me this is gonna take forever I thought. My anesthesiologist finally came in when I was able to get my epidural and hes telling this story about how he might have broken his thumb because it smashed in the door or something? I'm thinking really? you're going to tell me this story as you're about to stick me with a fatty needle, now I'm worried it will be off because of his thumb. haha He took what seemed like forever and is still talking then asks me if I have scoliosis. my response was "um...no?" Well apparently I was wrong, he said "mom look at this, she definitley has scoliosis look at this curve in her spine. So just to let you know, sometimes people with scoliosis dont take the epidural well, meaning it may not spread evenly on both sides, but he would do his best" REALLY? broken thumb and now a crooked back that may leave the chance of me still being in pain? Definitely wasn't thrilled, but luckily the pain did go away and I was a happy camper. I thought ok, now things are going seeing as how after my epidural with Calvin it sped things up a bit. a few hrs passed and I was only a 6. It was probably about 10 am the day after Christmas. They wouldn't break my water because they wanted to get 2 full bags of antibiotics in me. Pretty sure that's what slowed things down...I felt bad for my mom, and poor husband who were beyond tired as well. I was starting to get so hungry and those ice chips were crap. I was SLOWLY progressing. about 12:30 I was at a 8/9. My OB finally shows up and walks in saying " alright, whats going on here, whats taking so long?" to the nurses. She explained my group b strep and he asked if I had at least one bag done, and before she could finish her sentence of saying yes, he said "Ok I'm gonna break your water,  lets get things going, My family wants to see Star Wars today" We all laughed and perked up some more because he said exactly what I wanted to hear! He broke my water, boy was that a huge gush of water. Within 40 minutes of this happening it was time to push! ( gosh dang if only he got there earlier! ) I pushed for about 15-20 minutes. I was so exhausted at this point that it felt A LOT longer! at 1:53 pm my Andie Ann Crosby was here and placed on my chest. PURE bliss! That skin to skin time we had after was all I dreamed and hoped for because I never got that with Calvin. It was still so surreal holding my baby that I wanted to badly. Watching Steven bathe her and comb her hair with a smile on his face was priceless. From the moment she came into this world she has been a complete Joy in our lives and still is to this day almost a year later! Love you to pieces my sweet little princess. 

XOxo 

All for the Memories

As I look back at this blog, there are SO many great memories I have written. I've debated keeping this blog and revamping it again with how inconsistent I have been in writing new posts and staying current with life happenings. I think now is the time for me to actually work at updating this blog as often as I can. Even if its a short post or memory I want to remember. I've learned so much and have been through so much that I would love to look back and remember all those moments, and I can type a whole lot faster than I can write in my journal. So here's to new goals..at the end of the year. ha! I've got more time on my hands and more desire to actually write about something. 

Now....time to get to work! 

Xoxo

oh 2014..

It has nearly been a YEAR since I even touched this blog.

 how sad.

 I always make those new years goals and every year I talk about wanting to be better at blogging. 

every year I fail. Miserably. 

2014 has been quite a roller coaster! 

I don't even know where to begin with all that happened last year. 

so lets just not. 

There was a whole lot of moving. 3 times to be exact.

A whole lot of new things like new apartments, homes, jobs, cars, dogs, and gosh so much more.  

A whole lot of frustration, anger and sadness,

and a bunch of smiles and laughter. 

I learned A LOT in the last year about so many things. 

Faith. Patience. Acceptance. Motherhood. and Love. 

While there were a lot of things that weren't my favorite I cant wish they never happened because I wouldn't be who I am today because of those experiences. 

On this day, the first day of 2015, I have so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to.

 I have a healthy husband who loves his job and is great at what he is doing. He loves me for who I am and is my biggest cheerleader in all the ideas and dreams I come up with.

 I have a hunk of a two year old who is happy, healthy, and quite hilarious. I am able to stay home with that crazy little boy and be his mom while helping my husband excel in his job. 

I have two great parents who let us invade their home while we save up for a house, and do it oh so willingly and lovingly. 

We both have family so close and we get to spend so much time with them.

 I am starting school next week and couldn't be more excited and nervous all at the same time(eeeeeeek). 

I'm excited for all the new adventures that await us this year and can't wait to see what they might be! I'm so over you 2014, let's go 2015!

I have a feeling its going to be one great year!

Happy New Year Everyone!

May you have a happy, healthy and blessed year!

That one night...PART TWO

So continue on with PART TWO with my last post...

We get home from the traumatic night and carry on with our lives..me being paranoid as heck and so stressed about Steven going unconscious again. The Dr. from the ER suggested we meet with a neurologist to get finer details and hopefully figure out what happened, he didn't think it was a seizure as everything else looked fine and apparently when you have a seizure it releases something into your blood that can be found through blood work, which there was no sign of. Well we meet with a neurologist and he does numerous tests once again. We also met with a psychologist who is well educated in ADD, anxiety, OCD, and other such things. Very knowledgeable man, and I was kind of intimidated when I first met him to be honest. The tests showed that he for sure didn't have a seizure and they believe that a lot of stress and depression sort of took over his body so to say. Which leads to me to another story that happened weeks after the 911 call.

Steven had mentioned he was under a lot of stress with going to school full time, ROTC responsibilities in the army, losing his job and starting a new one all while trying to be a good husband and father. I mean who isn't stressed when they go to school and have a million things on their plate?! This new job he took seemed to be perfect. It was at night so he had the day to go to school and do homework and spend the little time in between with us. It was from 9pm- 1am. The first couple of weeks were a little rough adjusting to the new time/sleep change. I honestly didn't think it was that bad of a schedule seeing as how I used to be up with Calvin in the nights feeding and tending to him when he woke. There was one specific night we were coming home from running errands and I was worried Steven was going to quit his job, because of the lack of sleep he was getting, before he had a new job to replace it. I was trying to reason with him and told him he had to stay yada yada. He mentioned something about being depressed about how dark and low he gets right before he goes into work and throughout the night.* Now the Dr's and psychologist asked him about having any type of suicidal thoughts and he described the thoughts he would have and they said that they weren't serious enough to be of a high risk* Well that night as he left I was at home and couldn't help but worry that he made it to work OK based off of what he had mentioned, "what if he really did try to kill himself? no..he wouldn't do that to me..?" I got worried. I hadn't hear from him for awhile and usually he will send me some sort of text whether he arrived or just saying he loved me or whatever. nothing. I tried calling him a few times and he wasn't answering and I kind of expected it seeing as how we had gotten into an argument about his job. I texted him to say I was worried and wanted to make sure he got to work OK. time went by. still nothing. I started to panic and then broke down after countless rings and voice mails I got on his phone. What was I going to do? I didn't have a car (we only had one car at the time) Calvin was asleep. I tried calling the KSL building where his job was (custodial work he did for the church they rotate at the buildings there downtown) I got to the radio guy, and he couldn't lead me to anyone he had no idea what I was talking about but could hear the panic in my voice. no luck. I finally call my mother-in-law and broke down to her not knowing what to do I felt helpless and we talked for a good while about what was going on and I finally calmed down. She tried calling him a few times, no answer, I kept trying call after call. We had my sis in law who lives downtown drive to the building to see if she could at least see our car. Well he parks underground where he goes into work so there was no such luck there. My mother-in-law finally decides to call the cops and have them go down to where he works to find him. He calls me from his phone and explains he left it in the car because he didn't want to talk to anyone. He wanted to shut everyone out and just wasn't thinking and apologized for scaring us all. I was so mad but couldn't be because I was so relieved that he was OK.

After that our next appointment with the psychologist I told him what happened and how worried I was. He had no idea how severe it was as Steven was ashamed or didn't realize how deep into depression he really was. The Dr. advised that he no longer works those hours and he had an explanation that made sense other than just because it was a crappy shift time. He explained to me that with Stevens ADD and for anyone who has ADD, they can't handle losing that much sleep. Their brains work so many miles a minute trying to keep track of everything that happens in their head that by the end of the day it needs that full 8 hrs of rest. *not gonna lie I wanted to be furious with that fact as don't we all need 8 hrs of sleep?!* BUT instead I understood that for so many years of him working and going to school and doing so many things he was already losing so much sleep over the years that that is one of the reasons his body shut down. It couldn't take it. He has sleep deprivation severely and that he technically shouldn't be driving as it is as equivalent to being a drunk driver. *explains his crazy driving?* obviously he didn't get his license taken away or anything like that but he did order him to get more sleep. who wouldn't want that order? So from then on things made sense. He didn't have severe anxiety but more depression with his ADD and a little bit of OCD which they kind of all tie in together a little bit. We got his medication changed and before we knew it Steven was back. its like a light switch almost. No he isn't completely perfect and he still has his bad days and good days. but no where near how down he used to be.

 It was the hardest thing on our marriage because I didn't understand what was going on and neither did he. After meeting with the psychologist, he also does marriage counseling, we decided to meet with him for that reason for a little bit to help each other better understand what was missing or misunderstood. I will admit that is the last thing that you want to admit. I thought in my head "we're fine, I don't need someone to tell us how to do something or whats wrong..no we can work it out" And it wasn't really that way at all. He talked to us separately and then together. these psychologist are like magic he knew exactly my thought process or how I was feeling and same with Steven. We did a few exercises over the weeks and life got a little easier and better. I am not ashamed to say that we had counseling I think in fact every couple should do it as there is no harm in it other than making things better than they already are. how is that possible?! Now people may wonder or think why would someone put something so personal out on the internet for everyone to see?(like this) I get it. For the longest time Steven was so ashamed of the fact that he had ADD and some chemical imbalances he couldn't control that he pretty much didn't believe it. and I was so ashamed or embarrassed that we had "problems" that affected our lives so much that it affected everything else in our lives. I was envious of everyone else. I hated Facebook and instagram so much because all I saw were people getting pregnant or having babies, getting new jobs that obviously would pay more to move up in life, getting skinnier, going on vacations, buying houses.. everything pretty much. Which I really truly am happy for them but I almost hated them at the same time because I wanted it so bad thinking it would make up for the bad. No my life wasn't miserable. It just wasn't easy. But when is life ever easy? As soon as I started to understand my husband better and myself for that matter things looked up. We figured out how to help him instead of being frustrated. I wasn't ashamed anymore of going to marriage counseling, my life, or anything that was happening. I look back at it now as a huge blessing. Steven and I understand each other so much better now and the advice we got will forever help us down the road. I write such personal posts on here in hopes that it will make other people feel better that they aren't alone. SO many people go through the same thing if not close to it. I don't post this to get any sort of reward or sympathy but to maybe help someone who may be having a difficult time themselves.

Steven and I have been through a lot in the past couple of years. A LOT. And it is totally OK with me. I am so much more grateful for everything I have in my life. I'm grateful to be married to such a loving man who comes from a loving family. I'm grateful for my parents and family who have done nothing but stand behind us when we want to fall. For friends who care about us and treat us like family. For the gospel in my life to bring me up when I feel so helpless. and last but not least for our sweet baby Calvin who really isn't a baby anymore. Through this all he has done nothing but bring smiles to our faces and so much joy on those bad days. I don't know how kids do it, but they make everything better. And the past couple of years haven't ALL been bad. There were a lot of good moments too that I will catch up on. like Calvin turning 1, holidays, and more :) Thank you all for reading, for your support and love. We are so blessed!

Much love,
XOxo

That one night..

It has been several months and holidays since I have posted and I feel I have a pretty good excuse as to why. It has been so crazy and it seems to have calmed down quite a bit and I feel the need to write down all the chaos that has been happening in our lives so that one day we can look back and remember the trials that have been put in our lives to make us who we are today.  So pop some popcorn, open that soda pop because this is a long one! (maybe some tissues)

PART ONE
One of the last things I said was about having to make a 911 call for the first time ever that scared me half to death. Well I'm ready to elaborate on that a bit. It was a normal day for us on Friday, September 27, 2013.  We both had work that had come and gone. As we are home I had dinner in the crock pot, in which i was very excited about. I was getting Calvin situated with his dinner and had asked Steven to pull apart the meat in the crock pot so we could have dinner ourselves. We were all fine doing our thing and then Steven mentioned he didn't feel good at all and needed to go sit down for a minute. I go to finish prepping the meat for dinner and had this feeling that I needed to go check on him in the other room. I come to the living room to find my husband slouched in the chair like dead body weight with his eyes closed. My heart stopped for a second then started beating really fast as I panicly asked him if he was OK. No response. "Steven?!" he then starts to open his eyes and I calm down a bit and ask him if he was OK. He tells me that he didn't feel very good still and I asked if he was hungry and he said not really I'm going to go lay down on the bed for a little bit I feel kind of sick. So he gets up and moves to our bedroom and I go about my business getting Calvin cleaned up from dinner and making a plate for myself. I sit down to eat but then have this urgent feeling to check on Steven again. I go into the room to him laying perpendicular to the way you normally lay on the bed (which is typical when he goes to take a cat nap) I ask him how he was doing and if he was feeling any better. No response. *I'm thinking he must have really fallen asleep* I shake his back as his face was in the bed almost and facing the pillows and ask him Steven are you OK? nothing. *my heart starts racing* Steven! He slowly comes to and says "huh.." "Are you OK?! are you hungry yet?" an even longer delayed response than before he mumbles something I cant understand. *this whole time my heart is pounding a million times a minute and he doesn't move one inch of his body* I stand there next to the bed no clue what is going on. I keep trying to talk to him to get him to talk. I finally ask him if he can move his body. His responses were mumbled if nothing at all. He finally gets out "give me a minute" as he tries to move his body I see nothing happen at all. I immediately call my mom as I'm thinking he is maybe having a seizure or had a seizure or one was about to happen. He had tons of drool coming from his mouth, he felt hot but he always does..after a few short minutes on the phone with my mom fighting back tears and the panic in my voice she tells me the words I had in my head but didn't want to believe it. Call 911. I've never called 911 I thought. Why is this happening. maybe I can get him to get up and make it to the car. I try everything I can to not call 911. I keep talking to Steven telling him he needs to get up or move. no response. He all of a sudden starts crying hysterically and says "I'm sorry, I'm sorry"  *a million things ran into my head trying to think of why he was so sorry?!* I kept asking "what?!" because I was so confused! nothing in response. I tell him "Steven I need you to get up so I can take you to the ER, If you cant move then I have to call an ambulance because I can't carry you!" after a VERY delayed response and me repeating myself he says "give me a minute" I tell him I am going to put on Calvin's jammies and If I get back and he cant move I'm calling 911. I get back he's still in the same position. "Steven?!" "call the ambulance" and he starts crying again. I have never seen this kind of cry it was hysterical and almost like a whimper. weird.
With shaky fingers I dial 911. *I get very quiet and almost cant breathe when I'm in a panic* A very nice lady answered and I proceeded to tell her what was going on and she got our information at this point Steven was no longer responsive at all. call the ambulance was the last I heard from him and that was so mumbled he barely got it out. I was trying to stay super calm during this whole thing especially for Calvin's sake. I feel I did a pretty dang good job considering I was freaking out inside and my mind was all over the place. Finally the paramedics arrive and we are all standing in my bedroom as four guys are working on Steven. I've got 2 guys asking me all these questions like is your husband diabetic, did he overdose, is he suicidal? no, No, NO! Of course they have to ask those questions but it doesn't make it any easier on me as it puts all sorts of things in my head!  All of his vitals were normal. but they got absolutely NO response from Steven and his body was just limp on the bed. They tap his chest, open his eyes, all sorts of tests. nothing. *I almost hyperventilate at this point, what is going on with my husband?!* They come to no conclusion other than he needs to be taken to the ER. they pack up and as they pull him off the bed I lose it as he literally is like a dead body being picked up. so limp and heavy. The firefighter/paramedic calmed me down assured me he was going to be OK. I grab I don't even know what. Calvin's diaper bag and blanket and rush to the car as they put him in the ambulance. Nothing is worse than driving behind an ambulance with your seemingly dead husband in the back of it. (he wasn't even close to dying but as non responsive as he was that's what it felt like)
We get to the ER I run inside and they get us checked in. and allow us to go into the room where he was. Holding my sweet baby boy in my arms, we walk around the corner in hopes to see a responsive alert father/husband. He looked in so much pain. he was foaming at his mouth a little and cringing clenching his teeth tossing and turning. I immediately turn around facing the nurses desk holding my mouth trying not to let those tears fall down again and so that Calvin wouldn't have to see his daddy in such a state. He calms down and I ask what happened. They tell me "well he had a catheter put in and he didn't seem to like it so we took it out, that's why he was in so much pain, everywhere else we poked, prodded, asked if it hurt he shook his head no." *well duh hes gonna be in pain from a catheter* My sweet sister-in-law arrived just as he was calming down from the pain of the catheter being taken out. I asked her if she could take Calvin home as he was up way past his bedtime and I didn't want him there any longer in case something were to happen. She hangs out a bit before leaving to see if we can get Steven to wake up as he was pretty out of it still. He sort of wakes up and is in and out. still cant move anything though. His nurse's name was Steven, real cool guy, calm and helpful. After Erica and Calvin leave. I sit there in the corner chair staring at my husband my eyes filled with tears wondering if he was ever going to wake up and be normal again. Was my life going to drastically change?! the unknown is scary sometimes. The nurse urges me to hold his hand and talk to him *reminded me of Calvin in the nicu and me seeing him for the first time* I hold his hand and talk to him asking him if he can hear me. kissed him on the forehead and told him I loved him. I prayed that Heavenly Father would assure me that he would not take my husband away from me and to help him get better. A few moments later Steven opens his eyes and looks at me and manages to get a teeny smile to me. *I immediately felt comfort, he was going to be OK* I ask him if he can squeeze my hand. I could see him staring at his hand trying to move it, working so hard but nothing happened. my heart sank a little bit. As time went on he had all these tests, MRI, EEG, blood work, and million other things. nothing came back. He slowly gained movement back he squeezed my hand, could move his arms, and lastly he wiggled his toes. Before we knew it he had to pee and stood up to pee in a bottle which was hilarious might I add! The Dr didn't seem to find anything in his tests the only thing is that he thinks he be hypoglycemic. He highly advised, more like ordered us to see a neurologist to follow up and do further testing that they weren't able to. and then we were on our way home. Everyone was convinced he had a seizure, in the family, the Dr's were almost positive that it wasn't one but they cant say for sure.
Not knowing what happened or if it was going to happen again was such a scary feeling. I was so on edge watching Stevens every move constantly asking him if he was OK. *paranoid much?!*


I will continue on to tell you what the conclusion came to in my next post. After meeting with Dr's. and psychologists, the endless questions and concerns. Where was our life going to go now? Today as I write this my hands were shaking and tears filled my eyes as I relive this moment. I hope no one ever has to experience anything like this in their lifetime! It is quite possibly the scariest thing I've dealt with. Stay tuned for PART TWO of the story about what happened after this huge event. along with some catch up posts on holidays, birthdays etc. Thanks for reading and not judging ;)

Much Love, 

XOXO